Mental Health is Not a Competition

I have been wanting to talk about this for a while from consideration of conversations I have had regarding anxiety and mental illness. I have a few points that I am going to throw out and this may really make some people mad but oh well, I am sure I have way more that can relate. I doubt many will actually be able to make it through this but I want to voice it all. 

Since when did mental illness become a competition? No one likes struggling with the issues that they struggle with. One person's own issues are just that, that person's. Others may be able to relate but in the long run, that person is the only person that can full feel what they feel. Same goes for how they look at others. It goes both ways.

I have mentioned this before outside of mental health in other aspects of life : What may seem minuscule to some may be hell for others. There will always be someone in the world that probably has it worse than others - but that does NOT invalidate one's feelings and emotions and the hell they feel they are going through. Yea, it could probably be worse, but what someone feels in that moment is all that is needed.

One thing I have never understood: I speak and see so many people that struggle with anxiety and mental illness. I don't pass judgement for what they feel or say about themselves. I don't scream "oh you're on that cool train of having a problem" (yes, I have seen people say this), I don't claim to say they are lying and I don't judge their severity. 

So it puts me back when people talk about how they relate to the struggles I have, they get it - but when I say I can't go into a grocery store alone without having a panic attack, I can't drive alone to an unfamiliar place, I can't ask for help if I'm lost or need help with literally anything, that it's so hard to plan out anything ahead of time because I don't know what my mental status will be like that day but at the same time I will freak out without a plan - those same people just don't get it. 

They don't get it and want nothing to do with me because it doesn't make sense that I attach myself to people and actually will feel completely useless without being with someone. That at times for days on end I will stay in bed, or sometimes days on end I'll be full of life. Those same people call me crazy when I say my mind is a prison and that I am constantly making myself mad. The smallest things can send me into a fit of frustration, if I don't get something - I fight myself because I don't want to quit. 

I talk about how holding a job is a literal nightmare for me, I have yet to find a single thing I could manage or enjoy doing without losing it from depression, mental breakdown, or anxiety. At times, it's downright embarrassing and it's a damned if I do and damned if I don't situation. 

Life is funny that way - how as humans, we tend to pass judgement on one another while at the same time claiming to understand. I have problems keeping friendships - not because I don't know how because I tend to light up around people... and not because I don't conversate because despite the anxiety, I push myself to talk to strangers and always give each encounter respect and a smile... It's not because I completely flop in conversations... I just can't keep people interested I suppose. I am a very simplistic person. I don't truly want for much but I'd give all that I have. 

Sometimes, it just hurts. This isn't a competition. This isn't something that I even want to struggle with - but I manage it. I never say that I suffer with any of these things. I manage them and I struggle but never suffer - I wouldn't be the person I am today without them. 

While we are pushing hard and have come a long way with breaking stigmas, within our own communities is just as toxic as anyone from the outside looking in. Don't be that person. 

I'm Not Okay

Possible trigger warning: depression

Are you okay?

It's perfectly acceptable if you are not. It's understandable if you can't say it out loud and it's difficult to not hide behind the forced smiles. I get it.

It's that feeling of your light burning out, when you convince yourself that you feel better when all you do is give but refuse to take. Sometimes it's okay to share lengths of your wicks and ignite one another in a brilliant flame of life.

But it's also okay to feel this way. The world may feel like this encapsulated plague of disaster, hideous darkness, and lurking demons of the night that are ready to swallow you hole. The suffocating feeling like you're being dragged to the depths of the ocean, your lungs collapsing, and the surface light can't reach you. Like the very hope that you held on to has been sucked from the crumbling pieces of your soul by this eternal black hole from the stratosphere... I know. And it's okay to acknowledge these feelings of dread and internal turmoil....

What isn't okay is lying to yourself about it. We have somehow come to this unstable relationships with one another through our evolution that we missed a key part of what makes us living beings. Empathy. We convince ourselves that we are just a burden if we so much as muster a whimper to another living being without realizing that most of the time, they get it. That same shadowy lurking demon haunts them too.

We try so desperately to sleep through the days because the night gives no rest and we suck ourselves into this routine of masquerades that we slowly start to forget who we were before all of this started....or even if we remember a normal life without it. It has become no stranger.

We push ourselves so far away we don't see those wanting to help, we convince ourselves they'll give up on us anyway. And with all of the pushing, eventually we leave them with no choice. Too often do we allow the days to drag on and melt into one another as if the weeks, months, and years plastered themselves on the pavement like ice cream on a scolding hot summer day...except it's bitter. The taste of those little joys in life fade. There becomes no receptive memories of good days. The shadow looms over us.

We forget that at any moment we can turn our faces towards another light and slowly, but surely reignite ourselves. This life is the only one we know, and the beauty of it around us turns into this decapitating horror show in a pessimistic sea of doubts. We question everything except where to reach.

The scariest truth is we really aren't alone. Don't divide yourselves anymore. We are capable of magnificent things and sometimes.... All we need is a light.

Please tell me that you are not okay. 

Because I'm not either 

But tomorrow, we can try again, even if things aren't magnificent right away, we can progress. We can accept the small victories. It's okay to feel proud. It's okay to try. Open up more to one another, the power of empathy and love can conquer the shadows that bind us in our cells. 

Sometimes we need to hear those sounds on repeat of reassurance just to drown out the other voices screaming at us to keep us limp in the corner. Over and over again with tears in our eyes because we want to believe the words other's say of encouragement and acceptance. Clinging to every hooked letter of every formed word that reached through us in the darkness, we hear them. Repetitiveness helps fight through our own self abuse.

It's okay.

I want you to feel something, anything at all. Know you are not alone and others are here. It's okay. Take a stand and accept it, but also accept one another. It's okay.

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National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 1-800-273-8255

Available 24 hours everyday 

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/

List of helplines by country:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

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I'm Not, But I Am (Inspiration)

I'm Not, But I Am (Inspiration)

You know those times when you can pull the words of wisdom seemingly out of no where? It goes to say that at some point in our lives, we pass on advice to another person - whether it be the best way to take out the trash, or something bigger like the best way to make a career change. Too often do I allow myself the passing stance of being or feeling forgotten, as it seems too easy to go unheard.

You Deserve Better

You Deserve Better

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Its true. We probably all struggle with this thought at some point, or even quite often in our lives. Its something we may catch ourselves thinking.... or even saying out loud to our partner. Its one of the many ways that we trap ourselves in a passive stance of making ourselves seem less than others. Many people could chalk it all up to a pessimistic or otherwise negative attitude, however even the most positive people can struggle with this thought pattern. 

Happy New Year! - Food for Thought

Happy New Year!

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Without a doubt, 2016 has certainly given us all a ride. Now is a time for reflection and growth. Taking an opportunity to look at past failures and finding ways for improvement. Life ain't all about sunshine and rainbows - sometimes you have to know how to buckle down to endure the storm.

Pay It Forward

During hard times, we all like to try and see the light. This space will allow that moment to reach out for help from other members and to share holiday Wish Lists. Buy something for someone else when you can, and be sure to Pay It Forward if someone does something for you! No matter how small the gesture!